


Hope is for suckers

by artsyspikedhair



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: Confessions, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Lucas' Backstory, Minor Character Death, Minor Original Character(s), Religion, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-15
Updated: 2016-01-15
Packaged: 2018-05-13 20:22:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5715853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyspikedhair/pseuds/artsyspikedhair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Riley notices a few cuts on Maya's wrist. After Maya denies anything is wrong, Riley has to figure out how to help her friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hope is for suckers

**Author's Note:**

> Hey this takes place sometime after Girl Meets New Year. Also read the tags, because I don't want to ruin anyone's day if they're looking for something that is not this.

The first time Riley noticed something might be wrong with Maya, it was when they were talking about God. Riley just couldn't understand why Maya wouldn't believe in something greater than the world they can see. But now Maya did believe in something, because she had prayed, so Riley felt better. It wasn't that she thought Maya would go to Hell or anything, but the fact that Maya believed in something just comforted Riley for some reason. Riley liked hearing about how Maya had prayed, and liked it even better that Maya had prayed for her. She was happy about this. Maya believed in something! Maya might decide to become a better person now that she thought someone was watching! Riley was so excited she almost didn't notice the smile on Maya's face falter a bit when she asked her if she had prayed for herself. 

"Me? Nothing, I would never bug Him about me." Maya said this with a smile on her face, but Riley still found it odd, the way Maya was talking down about herself. She told herself she'd ask Maya about it later, but never did. 

The first time Riley noticed a band aid on Maya's wrist, it was a couple days before the new year. When she asked Maya about it, and Maya said she had accidentally cut herself working on an extra credit sculpture for art class, Riley believed her. It was only after winter break that Riley remembered art class doesn't have extra credit, but by then the band aid was gone and Maya seemed happier than ever. 

  


The second time Riley noticed something might be wrong with Maya, it was an unseasonably warm day in the beginning of February. 

"Maya, why are you wearing long sleeves?" Riley asked as they walked into school. "It's like two million degrees!" Riley was wearing a short-sleeved sundress, and she did a small twirl as she said that. 

Maya grabbed onto the bottom hem of her jacket. She did this often when she was nervous, and Riley noticed, but was unsure why Maya would be nervous. The incident in December was all but forgotten. "I didn't know it would be this warm." Maya said, biting her lip. She then ran up ahead, where Farkle was getting books out of his locker. 

"Hey, Farkle, what'd you do on the history assignment?" Maya asked, and when Farkle went on a tirade about the injustices of the 1800 French justice system, Maya almost seemed relieved as she listened. Riley listened too, and as Maya stared intently at Farkle, wondered if her best friend was hiding something from her. 

Maya wore long sleeves more and more often after that day, but the days were still wintry so it didn't seem suspicious. Farkle noticed whenever he needed a pair of scissors, Maya had some. He tried to cheer Maya up more and more often after that, usually with outlandish costumes or bursting into song. It usually worked. 

  


The day everything came crashing down, it was, somewhat ironically, Valentine's Day. 

Valentine's Day was Riley's favorite day of the year. She dressed in bright pink, brought cupcakes to History class, and in general was in the holiday spirit, as they say. The fact that she wasn't dating anyone only slightly dampened her parade. Maya also tried to be in the holiday spirit, though her pessimistic attitude often brought her down. Every year she'd make the same snide comments about how it was a holiday made to profit off the intangible feeling of love for company's gain, and every year Riley ended up giving her a gift or card or something that made Maya hug the taller girl with reckless abandon. 

That year was no different. The only difference was, after Riley gave Maya her gift in English class, which was a set of colored charcoals that Maya had been complaining were too expensive, Harper had brought in cookies. And when Maya and Riley went over to eat the cookies, Maya's sleeve rolled down a bit. And Riley saw cuts all over Maya's arm, some scabbed over, but some that were clearly recent. Maya had obviously noticed her sleeve had rolled down, as she pulled it up and took a large bite of her cookie. 

Riley didn't know what to do. "Maya-" 

"I do not want to talk about whatever you saw." Maya said after she had finished chewing, clearly angry, but Riley knew the anger was directed at herself and not Riley. 

"I was just going to ask you what you were planning on drawing with your new charcoals. But now I'm curious. WHAT ARE YOU HIDING?" Riley said that last sentence in her usual excited voice, figuring she should act oblivious and maybe talk to one of her other friends later about what to do about Maya's problem.

"Riley, I know you're lying. You always pause for too long when you lie." Maya didn't know why she was calling Riley out on what she saw if she didn't want to talk about it. 

"Can I talk to someone else about it? I want to help you. Happy people don't do _that. _ __"__

"I'm not unhappy, Riles. I was actually really excited to use those charcoals, because it's going to be spring soon, and the colors are so much brighter in the spring!" Maya was not lying when she said this, but it was clear Riley thought she was. She lowered her voice. "You can talk to Bucky Mcboingboing about it if you want, but make sure no adults catch wind of it. And I'm serious, pumpkin, I'm fine. Let's just go sit in our seats before Harper decides to start lecturing us." It did indeed look like Harper was planning to give the class a Valentine's Day lesson, which Maya was looking forward to more than she led on. 

  


The first time Riley tried to figure out how to help Maya about this specific issue was February 15th. 

She couldn't stop thinking about how even after they agreed not to keep secrets from each other after the new year, Maya hadn't trusted her enough to let her know when she wanted to _hurt _ __herself. She realized it had happened before the new year. She was worried about Maya, and Riley is almost incapable of handling problems without someone's insight, whether that's her parents or friends or even her six year old brother. So she dragged Lucas into the supply closet during what would have been science class.__

"Can we talk in here? It's important" Riley asked Janitor Harley, who had only been in there for a few seconds to grab some cleaning supplies. 

"Sure, I was just leaving anyways. Those teachers don't give students enough time to talk amongst themselves, I say. Only your father does. So go ahead, skip class, I did it all the time when I was your age. Don't mess with my stuff though, or you'll be getting a detention." And with that, he was out, leaving the open door behind him. 

"We won't!" Lucas promised, before asking Riley "Why are we not in class?" 

Riley shushed him and closed the door. Luckily the light was on. "I noticed something yesterday." 

"Yesterday? Valentine's day? Riley, if this is about me and Smackle, Farkle said he was cool with it..." 

"I don't care about you and Smackle!" Riley nearly yelled, earning a frightened look from Lucas. "This is about Maya. Have you noticed that she hasn't been acting like herself lately?" 

"Well, some of her art projects are pretty dark, and she hasn't had a display since last year. She seems a bit more slacker-off than usual, but that's not really anything new. Sometimes she gets unreasonably mad at me when I brush her arms or something in the hallway. Why? Is something wrong?" 

"Well, yesterday I noticed that she..." Riley took a deep breath. Things like this were hard to talk about, even if Maya had said it was okay. "She was eating a cookie in English class, and her shirt sleeve fell down a bit, and I noticed that she had a bunch of cuts on her arm. I think she did them to herself, and I can't stop thinking about it, and she told me not to tell any adults, but Lucas, I'm really scared for her." Riley then felt like a weight had been lifted off her chest. It felt relieving, to verbalize her fears. 

"Riley, this is serious. I think we should talk to an adult about this, even if Maya doesn't want you to." 

"But then Maya might be mad at us because we turned her in, and then she might get worse because she thinks we don't trust her or something." 

"Riley, getting help never makes someone worse. And it may be a sign of a bigger problem. I had a friend in Texas who died from doing kind of stuff." 

"Oh my, that's awful! What happened?" 

"Well I still had anger issues back then, and sometimes I would take it out on her because I thought she could take it. I would yell at her sometimes, because I was angry that people were jerks and I sort of thought she had done some stuff to make them be mean to her. It was a horrible way to think, but I was young and didn't know any better. She had just come out as transgender in fifth grade, and kids would try to pull her skirts down, call her mean names, stuff like that. She would always fight back by correcting them and reporting them when stuff got violent, but it didn't help much. After a while my dad said I wasn't allowed to be friends with her anymore, but I snuck out to see her one last time. She showed me that she had been cutting herself, and I didn't know what to do, so I did nothing. That summer she hung herself in her parent's barn. She's actually the reason I got kicked out of school back in Texas. Some kid was saying she deserved to die for being such an abomination, and that she was going to Hell, and I just snapped. I beat him so badly he bled internally. I still regret that fight. But regret even more not telling anyone what I knew about her when I had the chance. I could have helped her and I didn't. I will regret that decision every day until I die, and I'll be _damned _ __if I let the same thing happen to Maya Penelope Hart!"__

"Okay, I'll get my dad to confront her. I'm really sorry that happened to you, Lucas, but it wasn't your fault. She chose to hang herself. If anything, it was the jerks who tormented her that should feel guilty. You're a good friend." 

"Yeah, I am a good friend now, because I'm trying to make up for the fact that I wasn't then. Honestly, I'm surprised Zay still even likes me." 

"Aww, you couldn't be that bad. You didn't intimidate Judy the Sheep..." Riley knew joking with Lucas was the only way to snap him out of this funk. 

"You are never gonna let me live that down now, are you? I'll have you know, being master of Tombstone the Bull is the highest accomplishment one can have, far higher than Judy the Sheep." 

"I know, I know." Suddenly the bell rang, and the two friends walked out of the janitor's closet with a new understanding of each other, and a plan to help their friend.  


  


The first time Maya broke down and talked to someone about her problems was February 15th. 

She didn't trust her mom because her mom had very rarely been there for her in the past, and even now that they had a better relationship she didn't want to be a burden. She already was a burden in so many ways, and she was also slightly afraid that she'd be forced to go to therapy or sent to a mental hospital or some other form of self-help that the Harts really didn't have money for.

She didn't want to go to the Matthews' for the same reason. They would offer some sort of solution that Maya had no way of paying for, and then they might do something stupid like offer to pay for her, and Maya didn't deserve that. She could stop doing this on her own, goddammit, she just needed to talk about it so she wasn't tempted to do it again. She never wanted to see that look of complete concern, fear, and betrayal that Riley showed to her for the split second before Maya had broke the silence. Even so, thinking about Riley being concerned about her made her want to cut in order to feel some sort of relief from the guilt over concerning her best friend with some non-existent problems.

But then an opportunity presented itself. For some reason Maya did not wish to dwell on knowing it probably involved her, Riley and Lucas were both not in science class. Farkle was stuck with Maya as a science partner. For a split second Maya was afraid Farkle would actually want to do work, and she'd be left trying to fight the thoughts in her head telling her to throw the test tube on the floor and cut herself with it alone. But then- 

"I hate having to learn about kinetic energy again. I already learned about it last year, and it involves too much math. Want to leave?" Farkle asked, having seen the expression on Maya's face. He also truly did hate having to learn about physics in school setting, where all the fun was sucked out of it and it was basically glorified math. It was almost uncharacteristic of him to hate it, considering his love for regular math, but he hated it regardless.

Maya nods, and Farkle asked Mr. Norton if he can go to the bathroom. Mr. Norton said yes. A few minutes later Maya gets up and asked to get a drink of water. Mr. Norton lets her, and the two friends are free. 

When Maya caught up to Farkle, she told him about everything. She started telling him about how she felt so much pressure to like someone even though she didn't really know if she liked anyone, so when Riley thought she liked Lucas she let her think that. She then told him about how she had found a pointy rock in Texas, and had dragged the sharp edge along her wrist, even though she knew it would hurt. She told him about how she felt less stressed afterwards, and how soon after she continued doing it at home, using knives when she was at her apartment and carrying scissors so she could cut in the school bathroom if she felt like exploding. She told him about how Riley had found out about it, and she didn't know what to do now.

"Maya, I know what is going to happen next." 

"How do you know? What's going to happen to me?" 

"Riley and Lucas are going to drag you to Mr. Matthews. You put on some large dramatics about how you don't need help, least of all from a history teacher, because you're not the past. You'll go anyway, talk to him, and find a way to relieve yourself of stress without using sharp objects." 

"And once again, you know this how?" Maya asked this with her typical sarcastic edge. 

"I know my friends. You want to get better just as much as Riley wants you to, you just can't seem to convince yourself your life is worth the effort." 

"I don't want to kill myself, Farkle. That isn't what this is about." 

"I know. But you might end up that way if you don't talk to someone." 

  


The first time Maya was pushed into getting help, it happened exactly the way Farkle expected. 

"Girls, Lucas, what a pleasant surprise!" Mr. Matthews said, clearly oblivious or ignoring Maya's discomfort with being there. "What can I do for you today?" he asked, expecting the dilemma to be history related. 

"I don't have any reason for being here, my life is not history yet." Maya said in a deadpan voice. 

"Maya has a problem, and we thought you'd be the best person to confront her about it." Lucas explained. 

"Why does she need to be confronted about it? Maya, what's wrong?" 

Maya stubbornly stayed silent. It was only when Riley said "I think she should tell you that herself, so we're going to leave." that Maya looked up and glared at Riley, to which Riley replied "It's for your own good." She and Lucas then left. 

"So what's your problem?" Mr. Matthews asked, fearing something serious. 

"Mr. Matthews, have you ever started doing something even though you knew it was wrong, and find you're unable to stop doing it at first just because you like it so much, but soon you find you can't really imagine your life without it, even though it's wrong and makes your friends give you devastating look?" 

"No," Mr. Matthews said, before realizing what the question sounded like. He raised his eyebrows. "Maya, you're not doing drugs, right? " 

Maya scowled. "No, I almost wish I was. Then I'd have an actual problem that the world has solutions for. No, I do something much stupider and less dangerous than drugs." She then took her jacket off, having worn a short sleeved shirt underneath in spite of the cold outside. Her cuts were clearly visible, some already having been turned into scars with the passing time. 

"Maya. I don't know if I can help you with that." Maya looked simultaneously crestfallen and relieved before he continued. "I think you should see the guidance counselor, but if you want to talk me instead I will do everything within my power to help you. I take it you are not willing to undergo the obligatory hospital stay that if I were to do what I'm supposed to you'd have to stay?" 

"No. We don't have enough money to pay for hospital bills, not even with my mom working at Topanga's. And I'd probably do better if I know I'm talking to someone who actually cares about me, and not someone I have to _hope _ __will care about me. Hope is for suckers."__

"And you aren't planning on killing yourself, right?" Mr. Matthews had a look in his eyes that Maya trusted, so she told him the truth. 

"Not actively, but I wouldn't mind if I got hit by a car or anything." 

"Maya, I think I might be able to help you. As your teacher, I will assign you homework assignments to help you work on your mental well being. Your first assignment is to give me all of the scissors you have on you. I know you have at least three pairs." 

"How do you know so much?" 

"Your art teacher complains about missing scissors and the next week when Farkle needs a pair you've got three. It's not that hard to know what goes on in this school." 

Maya sighs and hands over the scissors, all of which have dried blood on them because she rarely has time to wash them. She then realized what she might be giving up. "You don't actually expect me to stop right away, do you?" she asked, because having gone the day without cutting had seemed like a victory to her, and she was not sure she was ready for the level of commitment Matthews had in mind. 

"No, of course not. But your first assignment is, the next time you feel like cutting, email Shawn instead. He told me that he was always willing to listen to you, and that he's missed you these past few months." 

  


The first time Maya began to hope for herself again was soon after, when she was typing out an email to Shawn, who was in Europe, for the tenth time that week. He actually responded to her, and even Riley noticed that Maya seemed more like her formerly hopeful self.

When she walked into history class, the urge came upon her suddenly. She looked up to Mr. Matthews' smiling face. 

"You okay?" he asked. 

Maya ran out of the room, and took out the plastic knife she had brought with lunch once she was safe in the bathroom. She tried and tried, but it would not puncture her skin. 

Riley came in a minute later. Maya was crying. 

"Maya, it's going to be okay. You're going to be okay." 

"I really hope so, Riles." Maya handed Riley the knife. 

"Maya, peaches, you're already so much better than you were a week ago. Relapsing doesn't mean you haven't been strong." 

Maya laughed. 

"What's so funny?" 

"I never thought I'd be a sucker, but I really hope I can stop. Your dad might be a miracle worker." 

"You want to talk about it? I've been told I'm a good listener." 

"Sure." 


End file.
